Founder of FamilyLifeShare
Love always deserves a second chance. People need to love and be loved. When a second marriage comes knocking to your door, you just go and grab it if you are sure that it will make you happy again. But what does it take for your second marriage to be a success?
One of the popular three opinions on marriage, according to this article published on NYTimes.com, is seeing it through the romantic lens. It is a view of marriage that is present in most movies and songs. It is an idea of marriage in which situations are always happy and everything will eventually be okay.
The romantic lens is a double-edged sword that can help you and also hurt you. On one hand, it is good to be very positive in your relationship. Your marriage will always be great. You will not hurt your heart that much. And you will end up happily ever after.
But then, you will not always be on cloud 9 when you are married. Difficult times will come. Problems will arise. You will have pet peeves about your spouse. And sometimes, you will feel so much anger toward him or her.
If you have worn the romantic lens in your first marriage, then it is time to take it off and put on the realistic lens. It is still okay to be hopeful in your relationship, but now, you are well aware of the things that can happen. The world is not a perfect place to live in. And neither is marriage. Keep your expectations realistic and manageable.
Keep Things Honest.
The first marriage likely did not work because you prevented yourself from sharing all of yourself with your spouse. You want to protect yourself from any self-incriminating details about your past. By doing this, you are also holding yourselves back from being vulnerable to each other.
What does vulnerability mean? It means opening up to someone and not restricting your spouse from any information that she needs. Yes, being vulnerable is dangerous and scary because you are afraid of being judged and possibly ridiculed.
But vulnerability also builds trust. If you truly love your spouse, then you have to be vulnerable with him or her. Share intimate thoughts and details about your life. Make your past, present, and future self known to your spouse.
By being honest with your partner, you are building the foundation of your relationship. You are entrusting all of who you are to this other person you love.
Appreciate Your Spouse More.
Learn to recognize your spouse’s strengths and appreciate his achievements. Never go through a day without telling your partner that you are proud of what he is and what he has become.
It does not have to be a grand gesture every time you want to show your appreciation to your spouse. A small hug, a lovely thank you letter, a whisper in his ear telling him that he did well today – these are just some examples of how you can boost your partner’s morale and get him motivated.
Do not restrict yourself from just one appreciative act per day. These actions should be free-flowing and must come from the heart. At first, it can be difficult, especially if your love language is not words of affirmation or service. But the more you practice this secret, the more it becomes a habit.
Reflect on Your Mistakes.
Whether you like it or not, you have to assess what happened in your first marriage. It could have been you or him who caused the breakup. You do not have to play the blame game now. The relationship is over. But you have to recognize the pitfalls that your marriage fell through.
Since we are focusing on you now, it is recommended that you look at the situations in which you might have done better. Should you have controlled your temper more? Should you have changed your words so that no one got hurt? If you reflect on the things that you can improve, you will have a better chance of maintaining your second marriage.
Henry Ford once said, “A man given to pride is usually proud of the wrong thing.”
Pride often goes against respect. When we feel that our pride is being hurt, we often become defensive and disrespectful toward other people. We think of the wrong things to protect. Instead of taking care of the relationship, we look out for ourselves, disregard humility, and actin complete arrogance.
Never lose your respect toward your spouse, no matter how disrespectful he might be to you. Nothing will ruin your marriage more than hitting the weaknesses of your spouse. Be mindful of who you are as a person and stick to your values. As you give worth to others, you also increase your own significance in your marriage.
Know Your Priorities.
Career is important because it puts food on the table. Hobbies are vital because they keep you sane and help you maintain your own personal identity. But the most significant being in this world is none other than your spouse.
You have to understand that going into marriage is being in a union with another person. You love him and he loves you back. You must prioritize him above anything else.
What if the time for your husband or wife coincides with work or other interests? I would say, “Drop what you are currently doing and go to your spouse!”
You made a mistake once in your first marriage. You are not going to do it again the second time. Prioritize your spouse and you can surely have a happy relationship.
Share Your Dreams.
You must include your spouse in your aspirations and goals in life. You have decided to marry this guy, and he is now part of your future.
If you dream about a great career, where do you place him? Are you aiming for a grand vacation? Is he included in it? Are you planning to buy a new home? Does he have a place where he can enjoy his own personal space?
Include your spouse in your dreams in order for him to recognize his importance in your life.
Sex should be enjoyed by two people in marriage. It should not be used as a weapon to get what you want. It should not be withheld from your spouse because of anger. As much as possible, you must prioritize your sex lives as a couple.
Why should you have as much sex as you can? An article in Reader’s Digest lists the negative effects of not having sex. Some of these include depression, weakening of the body tissues, and stress. Not having sex is not only detrimental to your physical health, but also to the mind and emotions.
Give Time to Your Children.
Do you believe that unhappy kids can ruin a happy second marriage? If your children do not accept your second husband or wife as their parent, then it can be a major problem in your marriage.
Of course, you cannot force your kids to love your spouse. But you should make sure that they do not feel less important than your husband or wife. They must receive time, love, and comfort even if you now have a new spouse.
Create an atmosphere of openness in your home, especially on the topic of marriage. If they want to say anything, hear them out. Their opinions are important and must be considered to make your second marriage work.
Forgive and Ask Forgiveness.
Learn to forgive. It takes a lot of humility for a man or woman to admit to his or her mistakes. Don’t make them feel lower than they already are by not accepting their apology. You are allowed to still be angry with your spouse. But, at least, taking him back and forgiving him shows that you are ready to patch things up and fix the problem.
Be strong and ask for forgiveness. You are not always right. If you know that you are wrong, the best thing that you can do is apologize. You can also promise to your spouse that you will never do it again. Do not prolong the agony of restlessness and anxiety due to fights and arguments. Say you’re sorry and ensure that you will not repeat the same mistake to your spouse.
The best thing about a second marriage is that you can list the things that you have learned from your first marriage and apply them to this next one. You will not repeat the same mistakes again, and you can make sure that your second shot at marriage will not go to waste.
We now entrust you with these secrets to make your second marriage a success. Hopefully, if you do things right, you will have everlasting love and keep this new blossoming relationship forever.
Mike Zhang. Founder of FamilyLifeShare. Family life Share aims to share cool knowledge and unique experience about family life, marriage, love, relationships, Parenting and life tips. We want to provide high-quality content to people who are looking for these topics.